my_desperate_romance: (Default)
my_desperate_romance ([personal profile] my_desperate_romance) wrote2016-05-24 11:15 pm

i should feel anxious but i don't: progress?

I'm growing increasingly nostalgic of the days I had a LiveJournal, so I thought "why not" and decided to update here, instead of leaving it just for bingo cards and dear gifter letters. Not much going on in my life, as usual:

  • I dropped out of art school in January, and still have no idea what to do next. I'm not really going into it much, because that's not important. I just mention it because it's necessary to understand why I'm always apathetic and complaining about not having a direction in life (which, if I keep updating this blog, it's going to happen often). I spent the past months in an awful mental place and can't, for the life of me, recall more than a couple of days in which I haven't just sat on the same couch aimlessly scrolling through Tumblr or binge watching old TV. Needless to say, this worsens my anxiety, which leaves me drained, which makes it so that I haven't got the energy to do anything, in a very annoying, vicious cycle. This until last week or so. I've started journal RPing, and managed to write down some words (I'm disgustingly behind on [community profile] getyourwordsout), and I haven't been feeling that bad lately.
  • Tomorrow (in less than an hour) is my 20th birthday, so that's likely going to change. I know that the majority of people still on journal websites are probably going to be much older than that and laugh at this, but the idea of entering my third decade on this planet in such an uncertain situation is bad enough to make me want to crawl back to bed and never get out again. I don't know what I want to do to celebrate but if I don't come up with anything my family is going to worry (I barely get out of the house); all my (few) friends are out of town and I feel guilty about wasting their time if I ask them to hang out this weekend; all my distant relatives are going to call and ask about my life, meaning that if I don't find a way to be unavailable I'm going to have the same awkward conversation about not having a direction in life with ten different people who would rather much not talk to me at all, because I'm the Weird Cousin/Niece to all of them. You know, the one who always had a breakdown at holiday reunions and was incapable of socializing like a human.
  • I read The Raven King and it sucked, fact that will go down as Worst Disappointment of the Year, but I've started Fire and Hemlock and that looks promising. It's incredible how important The Raven Cycle has become to my fannish activities. I've always been fairly monofandom, but I usually had this sort of neat division between things I liked because they were good, and things I liked because they provided a good fandom experience. TRC annihilated that division and changed my perspective on paranormal YA (which I would actually call one of my favourite genres, but in which I've hardly ever wholeheartedly enjoyed a book). I think this fourth installment may actually have "ruined" the series on both sides (this sounds worse than it is, I still very much appreciate it as a whole), given that not only was it below the standards set by the other books, but it brought to my attention again one of the most annoying sides of Tumblr fandom: the "If you really like it, you won't criticize it" vibe. I suppose given how a lot of people criticize things on Tumblr, it's understandable that critical meta is perceived as inevitably aggressive, and that some people just don't want negativity in their fandoms, but I have yet to understand what's so hard about ignoring/unfollowing the people you disagree with. I still think I need to criticize TRK to properly get the hate out of my system, so I've decided I'll channel all of this into writing proper, canon-backed meta here on Dreamwidth (which was one of my resolutions when starting gywo), instead of just venting through a Tumblr post that might generate wank.
  • To end this on a happier note, I'm actually succeeding at keeping an irl journal. I feel like it's helping me a lot with my mental health. As of now, I only use it to note my anxiety/mood swings, and stuff that might influence it, but I read on Tumblr of someone who makes to-do lists and for every bullet point they don't manage to accomplish they write down exactly why. Now, I suppose in the OP's eyes this is going to make you look down at your excuses, feel guilty and actually get to work, but I'll do a version where I'll try to understand why exactly my brain goes "NOPE" in a certain situation, and rationally dissect and get rid of certan thought patterns. I've found I don't really work well with writing summaries of a day's events, which is a real bummer, because I have this constant low-key fear of forgetting meaningful parts of my life. I might have a try at it again, since I have all these notebooks hoarded in my drawer, now (although I doubt it'll work this time either). Notebook shopping is how I apparently dealt with university anxiety.

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